A Canadian gal in Stuttgart, Germany, who loves nothing better than crafting by the seat of her pants. See her snip, sew, knit, knot, glue, sculpt, splatter, spin, and of course, talk about herself.
You are all just the bestest ever! I swear, just as I had clicked the publish button, there was this little rush of panic as I though - Oh my god, did I really just post a picture of myself in pink fishnets on the internet!?! Not that I'm the type to get easily embarassed - if y'all knew have the stupid things I do on a regular basis, you would be hard pressed to believe I wasn't doing it on purpose. But there's just something a bit intimidating about knowing that your stupidity has been saved for all prosperity on a medium that is open to the whole world.
Hehe. Actually, come to think of it that's pretty funny! Maybe I should post pictures which are really embarassing, like those of me at the annual Whores and Transvestites Party (oh google, who will you send to my blog now?) . The idea of it is that everyone who attends, whether male or female, must dress like a horribly tawdry hussie. It's loads of fun! I think one of the things I miss the most here is dressing up for Halloween, so when this party comes round, I take full advantage. I just love dressing up! It's so much fun to look for the tackiest, trampiest things possible, and to help the boys with their boobs! I am the official champion boob maker. We use latex gloves we still from the lab and fill them with water. Not too much though! Otherwise you have fingers sticking out of your boob ;) You tuck the fingers underneath and put the "boobs" into an extra big bra - and voila! Boy with boobs! Anyway, back to my makeover-in-progress, I really appreciate all of the comments and suggestions, as obviously, I need all the help I can get ;) As I said, I need to get away from the frumpy things I have been wearing lately, but I'm not sure I can go back to the things I used to wear before the descent into frump began (ie pink fishnets). I think Risa made a good point that I could maybe find a compromise between the two extremes. It is very tempting to go back to one of my many past looks...the hippie in torn jeans and beflowered hair, the punky girl with combat boots and purple hair (and the fishnets of course) or even the Bjork fan with little buns and dots on my face. But the idea here is for a new me! As I think I may have hinted at before, Stuttgart is not so much a style haven, so me needs be looking for inspiration someplace else! Although I have had a long term love affair with Vogue, what I really love best is your everyday style queens. Growing up in Toronto, I was constantly amazed at the things people wore - so I was really happy when I noticed there are quite a fewTorontofolks on Wardrobe Remix. If you haven't seen it before, check it out - it's awesome! If you find looking through that many pictures a little tiring though, you can always check the week's highlights on Bits and Bobbins, which is run by the group's creator. There are also links to other street fashion sites, like the famous Sartorialist and the cute cute cute Hel-looks of people in Helsinki, many of whom qualify as walking works of art.
But of course, inspiration aside, the main component of real style is certain personal je ne sais quois. It's all about working what yo mama gave you ;) As we all know there is nothing more beautiful than just being your own wonderful self. With that in mind, I leave you with a poem that darling Helen left a link to in reply to my last post. Enjoy!
Everybody now - 'I feel pretty....Oh so pretty...."
We all know that women are known for certain weaknesses....shoes, chocolate, designer handbags...I'm sure many a husband or boyfriend could adds scores to such a list. I, of course, am just a girl like any other - I too often get my thrills from a shoe or clothing rack. And as I mentioned in my post about Ireland, I am not above shopping my blues away ;) It must be said, however, that since I've been living in Germany this tendency of mine has nowhere near reached the heights it did while I was in Canada. This is mostly due to me still being aghast at many of the prices here (it takes me micro-seconds to figure out what each price would be in "my money" ie Canadian dollars) and that this does not happen to be a region that caters to the vintage or retro shopper. That said, I am ashamed to admit that my manner of dress has gone appallingly downhill over the last year or two. I have slowly gone from being a dresses-and-skirts-with-funky-bags sort of girl to a rarely bland mix of jeans with t-shirts and usually not so exciting cardigans. It's amazing how something like this can sneak up on you! I think my younger self would have been horrified to know that I would become a regular wearer of dull outfits like these...
Don't let the romantic German background fool you! I am clearly a woman in need of help. Now, you can't tell in the first picture, but I'm almost positive I was wearing running shoes. Not that there's anything wrong with running shoes - they're very comfortable, practical and have their time and place - but they'd never be called glamorous, or even stylish. Besides, we're aiming for girlie, sexy even. I mean, let's be perfectly honest here, I have no problem with getting older, my mother is pushing 65 and still by far the most beautiful woman I know - but it's a fact of life that the effects of gravity on my girliest of parts is becoming more palpable by the year and frankly, I think I need to show off what I've got while I still got it ;) If I am lucky enough to live that long and still have my wits about me, I still plan to be the most colourful of fashionistas when I'm 80, but I'm pretty sure I won't be doing it in a short skirt. So, in the spirit of looking like a girlier girl, I could not resist this hot little number I found today at H&M. I tried to take as good a picture as I could, but I sadly had little success in capturing the cuteness of this dress. It's cotton jersey in teal (*so* comfy! and still girly!) with 3/4 length sleeves and cuffs with 3 little buttons. I'm a sucker for cuffs. There's some gathering at the yoke and at the tops of the sleeves, as well as the cutest little keyhole in the back! (oops! forgot to get a pic of that too)
As can often happen with a solid-coloured dress though, it needs some kind of waist definition, hence the pink sash around the waist. I'm going to look through my fabric stash for something I can make a belt out of, which I also need for another tunic-y type dress I have. I've been wanting to make a couple fabric belts ever since I fell in love with those used over dresses by Noa Noa, a Danish designer who makes the lovelist fairy princess type things. I have already collected a few of said things, but they have such a light, airy quality to them, they seem out of place in any weather other than balmy sunshine, so it looks like I will have to wait a bit before pulling them out of the closet :( But I'm hoping this new purchase will be a good transition outfit, until I can start wearing my summer things (which are not quite so hopeless) and most importantly, get me to wear my pom-pom shoes more often!
I really love these. They're just so ridiculous, and they match the dress perfectly! I found them on sale for 10 Euro in the middle of fall, which was very grey and rainy - not good for suede flats. So these have been living in the closet since then. Do you think the pink fishnets are too much? I couldn't help it, I've been starving for colour. Now I've got to go rummage around in my collection of trinkets and try and get in the habit of wearing jewellery again. Enough of lonely, neglected earrings! No more spinster necklaces! Mama's not only got a new (sorta) pair of shoes, she's got a new dress to match - and she's gonna show it off ;D
He he. Excuse you me while I flash you my knits ;D
Sorry to be so lazy about posting, but in between my swing dance classes which finally started up, working late and trying out wall climbing, I've hardly been on the net at all. Or home, for that matter. But I'm trying to keep my knitting going on the train to and from everywhere. I'm curious to see what this sweater is going to finally look like when I add the variegated yarn for the yoke. No matter what though, it's going to be a wonderfully soft and cuddly sweater. If you haven't tried the baby alpaca from Knitpicks before, you really should. I found it pleasant to knit with and it just makes the loveliest, softest fabric. I also just love the delicate heathered colour - it's hard to show in 2D, but the colour has more depth than what you can see in the picture. Ok, I've got to run and sort through more of my yarn and fabric before turning in...sadly I have too much stuff to take it all home with me, so I'm going to have to sell off what I can on eBay before I go. That is, whatever I can convince myself to part with. Wish me luck ;)
After all of your kind thoughts bidding me adieu last week, I really hope you're not going to turn on me when I tell you how horribly slothful I was in Ireland this past week ;) Being February, the weather was not exactly cooperative - we had a fair bit of rain most of the week - but I still couldn't help losing myself in the romantic landscape of southern Ireland. Although not as dramatic as the luxurious greenery seen in summer, winter's more rough and tumble coverings seem the perfect setting for high Victorian drama. Having a terrible weakness for classic novels, I could only sigh and picture a dark, scowling figure wandering over the moors, or a headstrong, heartbroken girl rushing headlong into the rain. As melancholy as this may sound, I am a strange sort of person in that I am comforted by even the tragic romance. I am not only terribly romantic, but also an optimist, at heart, and I have always believed that where there is love, there is hope. So even the saddest love story will only serve as proof to me that love, even if it does finally bring pain, is nevertheless out there in some shape or form. And, of course, being young and healthy, I cannot imagine I am anywhere near the end of this great game of life and so can't help but believe that love and hope must come again.
My goodness! Can you tell I've been listening to Villette before bed?? I really don't mean to be quite so dramatic. Actually, things aren't looking nearly as bleak as they did before I left, though I am still haunted by several spectres of doubt (Damn you Bronte!!). But I can't bring myself to give up yet on a partnership I have put so much time and energy into, as well as made great sacrfices for. It's a strange feeling, I feel as though on both sides of the coin there is the possibility of great happiness and also great sadness. I suppose only time will tell. But some what may, I know I can handle it :)
So, to come back to my week in Ireland, being faced with some bad weather and - at the start of the week anyway - being a bit down in the mouth, there was nothing for it but to go shopping. I can't tell you what a joy it is to not only be able to shop someplace new (Stuttgart is dull dull DULL) that offers creative, pretty things and is even affordable! Saints be praised! Although, being in soon-to-be-moving mode, I had to control myself a little bit (what is the good of a bargain that will cost twice as much to ship to Canada?) I did manage to both see and buy a few lovely things. I was especially smitten with almost everything at this one shop in Limerick, called Avoca. They had the most darling little totwear! And all sorts of accesories to match. I tell ya, I could've got myself knocked up right then n there! I mean, look at the little lion patchwork, isn't is just adorable? I have no idea what I'm going to do with my fabric stash, so maybe I'll make use of some of it and try one of these on the weekend. Even if it doesn't work out, it's just one less thing to ship ;D Yikes! I didn't notice how late is was! I've still got a bunch of things to do before I got to bed, so I'm afraid I'll have to do more show n tell tomorrow (I hope!). But before I go I want to thank you all again for your heartfelt comments, they mean so much to me. I just feel so lucky to know such wonderful, kind people. Oh, and before I forget, I try to answer all comments personally by email but there are couple of you whose addresses I don't know. So if anyone who hasn't gotten mail from me is feeling neglected, feel free to mail me through the link on my blogger profile and then I can answer you directly. I'm a bit behind on mailing at the moment, but I'll be catching up over the week. Good night, girls! Sweet dreams!
I really want to thank all of you for your support. Being so far from my friends and family, and not having many close friends here in Germany can make things especially difficult, so it's nice to know I'm not alone :)
I should probably say that, although I was already planning to go back to Canada sometime this year, what is creating so much uncertainty is that whereas before I was planning to make the trip with my partner and find a place to settle down and maybe start a family. Now it looks like I will have to take the trip alone. Matthias is no longer sure if he's ready for the move, and neither know if our relationship will survive it even if we were. It seems like all of a sudden I have no idea where I'm going, or what my future looks like. For a variety of reasons, we've agreed that I will go back earlier than planned and that he will come to visit so we can figure out if we can still find a way to make this work. In any case, I need to go home. I have frequently gotten homesick living here up to the point where I was constantly getting sick and periods of several weeks where I couldn't sleep properly. I'm sure this hasn't helped, or the fact that the only reason I've endured it this long is for the sake of the relationship. I think it's time for me to try and put my life back together in a way that I'm happy living, with or without a partner. Now it's just a matter of figuring out how.
Tomorrow morning I will be flying to Ireland for 5 days and try to both relax and get back a better sense of myself. Sometimes between all stress and chaos of day to day life, it's easy to loose touch with your heart, with that inner sense we all have that tells us what's really important.
Funnily enough, I will be going with Matthias' mom. Luckily, we have always been good friends, and she doesn't yet know about the problems we're having. I haven't decided yet if I will talk to her about it, because I'm just not sure where my own head is at yet. But I love her dearly and am crazy about Ireland, so I think the trip will do me good. I'll do my best to take some nice pictures to show off when I come back, though I'm not sure what the landscape is like there this time of year. We'll see!
The pictures above were taken last weekend when I went to Strasbourg with a couple of friends. It lies on the border with France and is quite beautiful. There are a few more pictures on my flickr page. Thanks again all of you for being so understanding, and I promise I will be stopping by to visit all of you more often when I get back. Have a great week!
I could make some excuses here about how I've been sick, or had a million and one things to do for work, or didn't want to post til I found my camera again, but I won't. I'm going to be perfectly honest and say my life is falling apart. Don't be alarmed now! It's done this before, and with a few knocks and scrapes, I got out just fine. I'm a trooper that way. But I don't have much of a reason left for staying here and it's time to make my way back home. It's surely for the best, as I never really felt at home here, but at the moment I still have more of a feeling of the leaving behind than the going towards, if you know what I mean. I have a few weeks until I can end my contract and then will be the long process of finding a new home and new job. At least I will be able to do it on familiar soil and have some of my friends and family around me. I don't have it in me to go into particulars right now, but I wanted you all to know that I'm not neglecting my blog (or yours!) without good reason. I just need some time to sort my head and heart out.
We are working on a new research proposal, so I have been a busy bee this week. It is just amazing how much time and work goes into the process just to apply for research funding. This is for a medium sized project, with 6 partner organizations (besides us) in 5 different countries. I am off to Munich with my boss and a couple co-workers this afternoon so we can meet with some of the partners for dinner. I then get to somehow keep track of every point that gets discussed while they debate all day tomorrow on what should be done and how. But I don't want to think about that right now ;)
Now I get to take a little break to say hello to all of you and show you the pretty little things I made. This week was the deadline for an ATC swap on SwapBot and I had kinda forgot. Luckily I remembered in time and whipped up the two you see here and sent them off. I don't make ATCs as often as I'd like to, mostly because I find once I start I think of all these things I want to do with it and end up spending way too much time on them. But then, maybe if I didn't I wouldn't be as happy with how they turned out. The first one is called 'We will wake up soon' because I have had spring on my mind, and all the little sleeping flowers who I am wishing would wake up and bloom. We have been having all sorts of icky grey weather and I am longing for some colour. The second ATC is called 'Catching a breath of fresh air' and think of it as the beginning of the story of a hot little lace slip gone AWOL :D It made me really happy to cut out all the little technicolor bits and fiddle with my lace to find a part of the design that was really skirt-like.
Oh, I just remembered that I never explained what these ATCs were. I probably should have, because they look sort of wierd, but the meaning behind them is actually quite romantic. The first one is called 'Diego, mi corazon' which is Spanish for 'Diego, my heart' and is a detail from Frida Kahlo's painting The Two Fridas. She painted this after their divorce, showing a strong, whole hearted Frida comforting the one without Diego's love, with a heart broken and bleeding. It is a very powerful image of her immense love and despair. I added new veins of red yarn to try and show the heart as beginning to heal, that love would come again. The second ATC is taken from Diego Rivera's painting The Hands of Doctor Moore. Most of Rivera's painting and murals were political rather than personal, but here he shows his love and concern for Frida and his fear of her having to be amputated (she had many health complications due to a bus accident in her youth). He portrays her as El arbol de la vida (the tree of life) a popular symbol in Mexican art (and a favourite of mine). Here again I tried to introduce an element of healing, taking away the cutting hand of the doctor and drawing in new, live roots over the dead root/leg, as well as adding flowers blooming in the tree branches. I greatly admire these two artists and am also inspired by their great passion for life and for each other. Although, as I mentioned, they were divorced, they could not live without each other and were later married again. But there was a lot of suffering in both their lives and marriage, which can be seen especially in Frida's paintings. It has always been my rather romantic hope that they have both gone on to a place where there love no longer has to fight against the many problems they had while they lived.
Well, although on the weekend the fates were not exactly in my favour, it looks like they've swung back my way. I woke up to this view out my front door this morning (but a bit darker) and didn't really think much of it. Getting this much snow at once does not happen often here in southern Germany, but having grown up in Canada, it never occurs to me that it's anything but normal. The bus I take to the train station was a little late, but I thought that was to be expected, since it looked like the process of clearing the streets was still underway. Also, people around here tend to get a little paranoid about driving in weather like this, which doesn't exactly help traffic. Matthias does an impression of German drivers in snowy weather which consists of him running around with his hands over his head yelling 'Schneeflocken! Die Schneeflocken werden mich fressen!' ('Snowflakes! The snowflakes are going to eat me!') LOL. Anyway, to make a long story short, the train station was utter chaos, no trains were running, and I just made my sweet way back home. Yay! Since I rather grudgingly dragged my sorry butt to work the last couple days, I am more than happy to stay home. Thankfully, things are really slow at work right now, so no one will mind me just working from home today.
Thank you all so much for your well wishes for me to get better, you are all such sweethearts! Cinderella, I wasn't brave enough to try Moby's cold remedy, although I'm sure it must be pretty effective, since I know at least that garlic and cayenne are great for fighting colds, and ginger is good for all sorts of things. For example, if any of you have never tried ginger tea (just let some ginger steep for a bit, then drink the water), it's great for upset stomachs. As Vanessa pointed out, the ginger tastes quite nice, especially with honey, at least if you like ginger. Unfortunately it has always been one of the things I have to choke down. Luckily though, it's only if the flavour is really strong, so I can still use hints of ginger in my cooking when it's mixed with other spices, like in Indian or Thai cooking, where it usually doesn't bother me. Nevertheless, even though I am a big fat yellow-belly who did not make Moby tea, I am feeling better, if a little run down. But as I said, things at work are slow right now, which means boring and I am just one of those people who doesn't get nearly as tired from being busy as I do from having not enough to do.
So, in the spirit of keeping myself busy, I am well underway with my lovely alpaca sweater! I must say, the Andean Treasure from Knitpicks is so snuggly soft and I really love knitting with it. I only started working on this last week and I'm already done a good part of the body. I am knitting it in the round, just plain stockinette for now, but when I get to the yoke I will use the feather pattern (or is it fan? Who knows, here in Germany we call it peacock!) that I used on the sleeve. I was inspired in part by the Equinox Yoke Pullover, which has a fair isle design all the way up to the elbow, and also the Enid sweater, which I think has a very nice shape. At first, I considered doing some sort of simple fair isle, but when I knit a swatch of the two yarns it didn't look so hot, because of the difference in weight of the two yarns and all the colours in the Araucania. Since I really wanted to make use of just these, though I decided to try something else. I really like how the sleeve is turning out, and am looking forward to knitting the yoke. I think this will be a sweater that I will wear a lot. That's really saying something, since I started designing things on my own almost as soon as I learned to knit, and I've made a lot of duds ;D
It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing...
Don't you just hate it when you're really looking forward to something and then for whatever reason you just can't do whatever that was? I woke up feeling all awful and flu-y yesterday - after only managing to stay semi-healthy for only a month! I was really hoping it would maybe get better over the course of the day, that it was only a weak, fleeting little thing, and that I would still be able to go swing dancing like a planned, but no dice. Since it happened over my little hiatus, I don't think I mentioned before that since our plans to visit a friend of mine in Vienna for New Year's Eve fell through, so instead I dragged Mr. Keep-me-at-leat-100m-from-the-dancefloor to a dance party which was split into two rooms: one Tango and one Swing. It was so awesome! I actually did manage to get the boy on the dance floor for a couple songs (during one of which I think I almost dislocated his shoulder) and also got a couple of the swing dudes to dance with me. I learned to swing dance a bit when there was a big craze in Toronto while I was in high school, but haven't really found anywhere along my travels where I could swing since. I would really like to start again. So I was planning on going to a swing night that was planned for last night, and included an intro class beforehand. Alas, it was not meant to be. But I'm not giving up! The same group that organizes the swing nights also does classes, with another round starting in February. Woohoo! I hope I don't make too much of a jackass of myself, since I haven't really done any swing dancing, apart from my drunken, New Year's fiasco, in almost 10 years (Sweet Jeebus!). If I'm lucky, I may be able to convince a friend of mine to come with me, as she used to take ballroom and jazz and was saying how much she missed dancing. After all, why embarass only myself in front of complete strangers when I can have people I know there too ;)
Oh! and before I forget, I got tagged by the lovely Tricia. I have to list five things about me, not mentioned on this blog, and using the same two words to start each one as Tricia did on her blog. So here goes :)
1. I enjoy movies. All kinds of movies. I find something magical about sitting in the dark with the outside world a million miles away, while you empathise with the broken hearted girl, the suave southern gentleman, or the man in black :)
2. I like to make odd noises when I'm excited. Not that kind of excited, pervert! When I'm really happy about something I tend to squeal or chirp, and I'm always talking to the cats, in cat. I guess I just find normal speech a too limiting to express certain kinds of joy properly lol.
3. I love horses. I only ever got to ride one on a couple pony rides as a child, but I dream that when we someday have our house somewhere in rural Canada, we'll have a barn and at least one horse. I think growing up with an animal that beautiful is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child.
4. I have a tendency to get easily distracted. It's a miracle if I can keep my mind on a single idea for 2 minutes at a time. I keep meaning to write more things down, because it always feels like there's so little of me and my ideas that ever come to fruition. I keep a Moleskine in my bag, but it's still an uphill battle.
5. I had a hamster when I was seven. It was the only pet I was allowed because I didn't want fish, my mother thinks birds smell bad, and everything else was too big, because we lived in an apartment at the time. His name was Fluffy, and Fluffy liked to run off and crawl into the walls through the heating ducts. I was always able to lure him back with pieces of apple though. I was kinda proud of him for being so adventurous.
And for those of you who don't know why swing dancing is just the cat's pajamas, take a look at this couple here:
First, a very happy new year to all of you. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season and is coping with all the wacky weather, whether too warm or too snowy, that seems to be occuring everywhere. I had a bit more than a week off altogether, and spent it alternately frantically repainting or applying stucco in our apartment and lazing around with my honey. In spite of bits of knittery here and there, as well as other goings on to share, I've been really struggling to get on the blog wagon again. It seems lately I've been in a much more quiet, keep to myself kind of mood. The kind where you're not really up for company, because you're just content to putter around in your own little craft world. I think, in part, this has been brought on by all the social activity, which sometimes brings on the urge for some nice, quiet alone time but there's also something else. I sometimes have a bad habit of stressing myself out about things I'm supposed to enjoy, like blogging, or crafting. And of course, when something becomes stressful, it's just no fun anymore. And if you're a procrastinator, like I often am, you just start putting it off. Does this happen to anyone else? Am I the only one who gets her knickers in a knot about her blog? I realize a blog is, in part, supposed to be like a journal. You write what you like, when you like, and it doesn't matter because it's just for you. But noone reads your journal. At least, they're not supposed to. And most importantly, you don't go around looking at other people's journals. I think my biggest problem, not only with regard to blogging, but with a lot of things, is that once I see how great a blog, a handknit sweater, an anything can be, I want mine to be that too. I can't just have a blog, it has to be a great blog, a gorgeous sweater, the most beautiful handspun. Man, sometimes I wish I could just give it a break.
In spite of my very chaotic nature, I've always been someone who needed a mission. For a long time it was my goal to pursue international development and help the poor, but when that became impossible (at least, in the way I had planned) I felt kinda stranded. I think part of me thought I could make a mission out of craftiness, developing a niche for myself where I could design, sell, and promote crafty goods, which I think of as not only creatively fulfilling, but also socially positive, because it encourages independent business and people to buy things which are not produced in a way that exploits others. But the thing is, I'm a fairly new crafter. I was never encouraged to make things as a child and for a long time was really intimidated about making things. I even thought that doing something like that just because I enjoyed it, was not a good enough reason. I thought I had to use my time to study more, work more hours, do things for others, or further my career. It was a big step for me to go for it, just because I wanted to. I really should be happy with the fact that in less than 3 years, I've learned to do all sorts of crafty things and made many things that anyone could be proud of. I need to stop thinking that what I do is worthwhile only if I'm a total craft goddess, who is not only able to make a career out of what they make, but be an example and source of help for others. I need to come to terms with the fact that, at this point in my life, I don't have the time, the creative energy, or the skill to be one of those superbloggers with a 1000 readers who are able to churn out unbelievably beautiful/adorable/brilliant things on an almost daily basis. And you know what? That's ok. Who knows, maybe someday I'll get to the point where I can be a full-time crafter, maybe I'll go back to science, maybe I'll follow the advice of one of the students in my workshop who said I should be a teacher (is that a compliment or what? :D ). But for now, I'm really going to try and let my crafting just take it's own course without stressing myself out about it. Hmmm, that smells suspiciously of new year's resolution. Funny, I never had one of those before! I guess there's a first time for everything ;) Anyway, the pictures here are a couple things I've made (sorta) recently and some scrumptious new additions to my button stash which I may never actually bring myself to use LOL. With any luck, I'll be back again soon with a picture of some fingerless mitts I made as Christmas gifts and a soon to be completed baby sweater for one my girlfriends back home.
Things have been busy busy busy, and I've been up to all sorts of things, some crafty, and mostly otherwise, to the point where when I think of blogging I just don't know where to begin. So I'll just take the few minutes I have right now to give an idea of what I've been up to and hopefully I'll find a bit more time soon for pictures and details.
71. I was in bed, dying slowly, with not the strength to pick up two needles, let alone two needles and yarn. Most importantly though, I had ample time to practice looking as pathetic as possible, which immediately resulted in Bunny taking over all cleaning duties indefinitely!! MwaHaHaHA!!
72. I was in the car, howling country tunes, happily looking forward to my birthday destination, and driven of course, by above mentioned Bunny.
73. I was in Munich, my favourite Germany city! On my birthday! I had the prerequisite krug of beer with my schnitzel lunch (which was the best ever and I'm not even that big on schnitzel), then examined the Christmas market in minute detail.
74. I was still in Munich, but the second day we went to Tollwood, which is Munich's 'alternative' Christmas market. There you can buy organic Glühwein (mulled wine) and all sorts of esoteric doodads. Lots of handmade goodies, but unfortunately bad lighting, so although I will have pics to show, none are of the things here :P
75. I was in Bad Tölz!! This is a lovely little town south of Bavaria, where my father happens to have been born. It was such a joy to wander through their small Christmas market and then explore all sorts of little allies in between the beautifully maintained and/or restored buildings which are several hundred years old. We tried to find the actually old farmhouse where my dad was born, but unfortunately either he had the house number wrong, or it got torn down to put up the relatively new medical centre. I'm hoping it's the first option, because I'd really like to go there with him and look for it together :)
76. I was at our own local Christmas market, where I made some lovely new friends. One of Bunny's co-workers apparently has a gaggle of girlfriends who are just as nutty as me! It was great. Not to be too critical of Germany, but I've never felt so at ease hanging out with a group of Germans before. And considering I've been here 3 years now, that's really saying something.
77. I was also at work, of course, with about a bazillion things to do. And of course I had to remember to feed my co-workers, since I had run away for my birthday. Here, instead of a co-worker bringing a cake or something for you for your birthday, you are expected to bring food for everyone. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have about 20 people in my department and take the train to work. But happily, Bunny gave me a ride my morning back, and helped my bake the carrot cake, which turned out awesome as well as a basket of yummy scones I just found a great recipe for.
78. I was not at my work Christmas party, because it happened to take place while we went to Munich and there was no way of planning around it, but there have been lots of other Christmas gatherings. It's been years since I've had goose dinner, but thanks to lovely dinner parties this year, I've already had two! I'm just a sucker for a good roast bird!
79. And yes, I was at yet another Christmas market, this time in Esslingen, which is one of the towns/burroughs/I'm not really sure which make up the greater Stuttgart area. Esslingen is really pretty, having a lot of great old building which make for a lovely atmosphere, and best of all, half of the market is medieval! I've gushed about such things before, and I could hardly keep myself from giggling at all the people in garb and the games they had for the kiddies. They even had a kind of ferris wheel made out of wood and iron, with 6 troughs that the children could ride in. It was operated by a huge crank on the side and rather weary looking peasant. I tried really hard to get a picture, but there were so many people we could hardly move, let alone get clear shots of anything.
80. Last, but not least, I was buying a tree! Woohoo! Due to visits back to Canada and other less substantial reasons, we have not had one of our own before. But this year I just couldn't hold out any longer. Plus, it will be my first non-plastic tree ever! Traditionally, trees are decorated on Christmas eve here (thought no longer done by everyone) so we only got ours this past weekend, and she's still waiting in the yard to come in. We will be decorating tomorrow with some great bits I found on ebay and hopefully some handmades too :)
Most of the time, I would say being sick sucks, as would most people, I think. It's not a lot of fun to be oozing icky stuffs or making strange hacking noises, or best of all, feel so weak someone could knock you over with a feather. But right now, for this hour or two in between lying in bed trying to restore my strength and putting that strength to work on a report I should have been at the office working on today, being sick is not so bad. I had a million things to do today, but there was no way I was making it to work. With Bunny being sick all last week, and me running around like a headless chicken the last two? four? weeks, I guess I can't blame my body for making me take a break. At least I can finally try n catch up on blogs a bit :) Just so you don't think it's been just work and feel too sorry for me, here are some pictures of darling little doll things I gushed over at a craft/antique toy fair not too long ago. Feel free to just enjoy the pics, I need to blab a bit about my work life today, but will post more about several FOs and WIPs in the next couple days.
The main reason I've been so busy is that in addition to my normal translating and research report/proposal writing duties, I've been asked to help out with the lectures. More specifically, I was put in charge of organizing and running two workshops for about 45 students in our class for socioeconomics of organic farmingThe wokshops focus on agricultural policy that affect organic farming. . This was both scary and exciting. My background is really more biology and agriculture, and most of what I know about economics and policy was read on my own since I started working in this department of ag economists or picked up from talks during coffee breaks. Also, this was my first experience teaching a large group. I've done tutoring before, but it's not the same as a room full of eyes looking at you expectantly, waiting for you to offer up your fountain of knowledge. Luckily, I had help from some other people in our department and we were able to split the group into three, to make group discussion easier. So that left me with 16 students. The first day was rough, I was pretty nervous and stressed due to the fact that a screw up in room reservations almost had my group kicked out at the last minute, and the students were anything but enthusiastic. But the second day went a lot better, the students voiced their opinions more, and I didn't feel like a had to tug the discussion along the whole time. The second workshop was held a week later, and was a bit more structured than the first. Of the two, it was this second one that didn't go so well with students the year before, so I did my best to come up with ideas on how to keep things lively and to deal with any problems that might arise. Luckily, this year my supervisor included a bit about the workshop in his lecture, so the students seemed clearer on the concepts we would be discussing. The discussion in my group went really well, the students had a lot of interesting ideas and opinions, and I was able to teach them a lot more than I thought I knew about how agricultural policy influences our food, organic or otherwise. It made me really happy to have the feeling that we all got a lot out of the experience. I was even more impressed when I realized that I'd accidentally kept the kids longer than scheduled, and they were all still totally into the discussion even though most of them had been in class the whole day (which is atypical of universities here). It's funny how changes can occur subtly, over time. There was a time when I had no understanding of economics or politics, or any desire to have one. I was totally obsessed with nature and its workings - money and politics seemed to be the opposite of everything I thought beautiful and perfect. The tools people with power use to devalue what's really important and turn life into nothing but a series of dollars and cents. Although I still believe this to an extent, I've also learned that it's important to understand some of these forces which are always working in the background, to shape our world. And I'm really happy to have had the opporunity to share it with such a great group of young people, who have come here from all over the world to educate themselves and take their knowledge back to help their home countries. I got to hear about agriculture in Peru, Argentina, Kazakhstan, Thailand, China and Cameroon. These are countries which are very different in terms of culture and political climate, but share the problems of poverty and exploitation of natural resources. Being someone who often worries a it too much about the state of the world, it means a lot to see these students who are so dedicated and brimming with ideas on how to improve things. When I had to give up pursuing a career in international development I often thought I must be the only person left who still gave a damn. I'm happy to say these students prove me wrong.
There's been so much to do at work the past couple of weeks, my days have pretty much been a blur and I've been almost always exhausted. I don't think it's because of the work though, or lack of sleep even, but rather the monotony of it all. Having had to work on things on the weekend as well, we haven't really gone anywhere apart from the usual necessary errands and a couple walks in the woods. I find myself craving some good craft time to recharge, but I'm always too tired, and worse, totally uninspired. I find it difficult to find ideas in the albeit long path between my home and office. I have to go through the main train station every day, sometimes I skip a train or two to take a stroll down the Königstrasse (King street) to window shop and people watch. But Stuttgart is a very different city than what I'm used to. In Toronto, walking around any of the many eclectic neighbourhoods mean seeing all different kinds of people, in terms of culture, profession, financial status and above all, personal style. Although there is a little variation according to age group (ie teenagers will let their things hang out of their über-low rise jeans, but happily their Omas will not) but everyone is more or less white, upper middle class urban posh. All the girls/women from about 15 to 45 are wearing almost identical shoes, or currently, boots. If I see another pair of skinny jeans with pointy toed knee high boots, I think I'll scream. I miss being able to walk down the street and see someone who just makes my eye light up with their style and originality. This doesn't apply only to people or clothes. I can get claustrophobia contemplating the rows of identical houses, all their white stucco and red roofs, knowing that 90% of them have walls covered in nothing but this disgusting white recycled paper wall crap. Not to be overly critical, but I kinda think it looks like whitewashed catsick. And why most people here use it to cover not only all walls, but even ceilings in their homes is really beyond me. I would jump for joy at the fact that our hellish little felines have waged their own little war on the walls of our apartment, making it necessary to have them completely redone, if it weren't for the fact that until we have time to do this I can't take a presentable picture in almost any corner of our home LOL. At least I have the comfort of knowing that my pets have better taste than my neighbours :)
What I think I'm trying to get at with all this griping, is that life here in Germany has been getting pretty dull. When you move to a new country there is always a period of excitement and learning as you find out everything about your new home. Then somewhere along the way the process of settling in begins, until this strange new place becomes comfortable and familiar. Thanks to visits to family when I was younger, and spending a summer working here, Germany never really felt strange to me, but always instilled me with a kind of wonder. I had this idea of it being this beautiful place where everything was superbly organized and people were all down to earth and kind. I could never understand my aunt, who was born and grew up here, but moved abroad as soon as she was old enough. She is an artist, and very emotional. She always said she could never survive in a place like this, full of dull, cold, closed people. Instead she spent most of her life in Spain, and sometimes Italy, Portugal, or South America. Anywhere but here. Having lived here a while now, and entering a stage in my life where I am also investing myself in creative pursuits, I have begun to understand what she meant. This is not a place where ideas and feelings feel free. Although I can always be my natural self with Matthias, no matter how off the wall that may be, with almost everyone else here I feel a need to be 'behaved'. It's an atmosphere that has become stifling not only creatively, but also personally. When I started writing this, I didn't mean to sound so discouraging. There are still many things I am grateful for in living here, not least of all this wonderful man I've found, with extraordinarily loving parents who have adopted me as their own. And I will never tire of beautiful landscapes and architecture to be found almost everywhere. Particularly the former reminds me that, if nowhere else, there is always endless creativity and inspiration to be found in nature :) I have learned a lot here, about others, as well as myself, and although this is not where I'd like to live the rest of my life, I can still appreciate this place. At any rate, we have already decided to move to Canada next year and are beginning to look for job prospects. We will go wherever work is, so quite likely somewhere other than where I grew up. So although things may seem a bit monotonous now, it will not be long before life will bring a lot of changes for both of us.
Why is it that the most mundane things can become absolutely irresistable if they're old? I always used to think that table linens were just the dullest thing going. After all, the darn things have to be ironed, who wants to do that? Spruce up the table? That's what placemats are for. Of course, even being an avid thrifter, I almost never came across such things in their vintage form in Canada - with lovely folkloric patterns, lace edging or delicate embroidery - I came to Germany where it's the most often found item, having been horded in some cupboard by every woman over 60 for the last 30 years or more. Bed linens are also often likewise enshrined if no longer in use. Particularly among the older generations, things are only thrown out when absolutely necessary. I'm not sure if this is solely for the sake of hanging on to things if needed again, or also because Germans pay for their garbage (Yeah, ask yourself if you'd be dragging those 6 hefty bags to the curb if you were paying per cubic foot). Anyway, back to my table bits. I decided to pop into the Diakonieladen ('Deaconry store' - basically a church run charity shop) a few days ago to see if they had anything. It's only been open a month or two. I'd gone in a few times before, but only ever bought one thing - a traditional German 'Tracht' dress, which I keep forgetting to take a picture of. It's hilarious. But this time I got really lucky and found some totally cute things for next to nothing. Like this tablecloth, table runner and doilies. Are they still doilies if they're not lace? I don't like the crocheted kind, but I love these. And it seems like a great use for small bits of fabric. I just might make some more. Would you want doilies for christmas? Even though crochet doilies do nothing for me, I do actually like crocheted things, even lace, like this pillow case. This is something else I may try making myself. I think in colour it would probably start meandering over to the tacky side, but in white, in the right setting, lovely. The other white pillowcase is for a rectangle pillow, which is odd, because almost all pillows are square here, even the ones you sleep on. These cans were sitting inside the biggest can when I found them. I was happy enough to find the one, because I've been a bit purple happy lately, but three! Tin, with plastic lids. There's a wee bit of rust here and there, but it's not too noticeable, and anyway they were only 60 cents for all 3. Here's another adorable tablecloth (and I usually don't even like yellow!) that I had to bring home, and my favourite find of the lot, these totally grandma, covered wooden hangers. Aren't they just the kitschiest ever? Just love 'em. Does anyone know what the point of covered them is? I understand those that are padded, so you don't get those wierd little nubbins in the shoulders, but these covers I think are too thin to help much with that. Well, they're in my closet now, holding up a few tops and my brand new sweater dress! I know, I know, it's terrible of me to buy a dress when I still have 2 half made Sew Retro projects sitting around and I could probably knit the dress myself, but knitting over a metre of stockinette just ain't my idea of a good time, you know? And before I scare you all off because you think I bought one of those horrendous 80s flashbacks, I swear it's really cute. Just to prove it I will put it on and make Bunny take a picture. Which reminds me, I still have to take a picture of the pendant I made, because it turns out I don't have the right size of bead (Hell and damnation!!). If you're wondering what the heck I need the bead for, I had this vision of silver loops in which I would fit lovely red beads. But none of my beads fit and there's no way of changes it without beating the crap out of this poor little silver thing which frankly got enough abuse while I was making it ;) So, as before, owing more pics, I really will do my best to take them soon :)
I've been wanting to post this for a few days now, but have been putting it off (along with a lot of things) because it's really difficult for me to talk/write about. But I think it's important that I do, for my sake and maybe also so that those of you who visit regularly know where I wander off to sometimes when my blog goes dead for a week. I hope it doesn't come across as wierd that I'm adding it to the list, but it is a list about me, and sadly, this is a pretty big part of my life. Besides, this makes it easier for me to write all this. Little steps :)
51. I have suffered from depression more or less my entire life. I went to a psychiatrist for the first time when I was 5 because I told my parents I wanted to die.
52. My parents were never able to deal with this. As far as I can tell, I got little or no therapy at that time and my parents did their best to ignore the whole thing. When I would shut myself up in my room and cry for hours (which was often) their response was 'What do you have to cry for?'
53. As a teenager, the addition of hormone fluctuations made things worse and I sought help on my own. I got put on anti-depressants and saw a psychologist who would nod off during or sessions. She was not a big help.
54. My high school years are a strange split between the two lives I lead. I did everything I could to be a well-balanced, well behaved student and daughter at home and school during the day, then would take off nights, which were a blur of drugs and drinking.
55. My only real support was my best friend, who I met when I was 15. Having alcoholic parents, she had run away from home and was also often depressed. We did our best to keep each other in check, while providing company on all those nights when we needed to drown ourselves in anything that would make us forget how awful we felt.
56. If we had not had each other, I shudder to think what would have become of us. She was the one who stopped me from cutting myself, I was the one who made her eat. We dragged eachother to school even when we horribly hungover, and told one another that we would get through this and make something of ourselves.
57. After about 3 years of scraping by in school, together we decided to clean ourselves up and strive for a goal: we wanted to go to university. In spite of all our problems, we both loved learning and believed in educating ourselves. In addition, going to university meant I could finally get away from the critical eyes of my parents. We both sought help again for depression, and with some medication, a whole lot of will power and each other, we both got into the schools we wanted. This was a big step for both of us in learning that our problems didn't have to ruin our lives.
58. Being at university really helped give me the confidence and strength to deal with my depression better. It was still a struggle, but I didn't feel like it owned me any more. I had goals to strive for, and, I hoped, would have a career helping people that was worth living for. I wanted to work in agriculture in developing countries. I wanted to help feed people. Having always had difficulty with my self worth, it was easier for me to strive for things for the sake of others. It still is.
59. I was over the moon when I learned I was accepted to do a MSc in Tropical Agriculture here in Germany. All I could think of was all the things I would learn that I could pass on to others who needed help. Unfortunately, after working with a international development research agency as part of my degree, I was no longer sure. I faced not only disorganization, but also exploitation of native workers, while the foreign researchers lived the good life, people who only focused on getting their next grant rather than helping people, and lots of money spent on projects that helped noone. I can't even begin to describe the effect this had on me. I don't know how I managed to complete my degree, this disillusionment left me shattered. I was a mess.
60. I have since managed to crawl out of that hole, but it has not been easy. Being here in Germany, away from my friends back home has added to the strain. Try as I might, I have not been able to connect to anyone here apart from my partner and his family. I am, and will likely always be, a teeming bundle of raw emotions, while most people here rarely show any (at least in this region). I find it not only hard to understand, but it makes me feel doubly vulnerable and all the more difficult to try to socialize and live normally when all I want to do is crawl into a little hole and hide.
Phew. So that's me. A part of me, anyway. I hope it wasn't too depressing. The bright side is, I try to remember that I've achieved a lot in spite of everything and this no longer has the power over my life it once did. I may still be fighting, but I am winning.
So, to come back to my week in Ireland, being faced with some bad weather and - at the start of the week anyway - being a bit down in the mouth, there was nothing for it but to go shopping. I can't tell you what a joy it is to not only be able to shop someplace new (Stuttgart is dull dull DULL) that offers creative, pretty things and is even affordable! Saints be praised! Although, being in soon-to-be-moving mode, I had to control myself a little bit (what is the good of a bargain that will cost twice as much to ship to Canada?) I did manage to both see and buy a few lovely things. I was especially smitten with almost everything at this one shop in Limerick, called Avoca. They had the most darling little totwear! And all sorts of accesories to match. I tell ya, I could've got myself knocked up right then n there! I mean, look at the little lion patchwork, isn't is just adorable? I have no idea what I'm going to do with my fabric stash, so maybe I'll make use of some of it and try one of these on the weekend. Even if it doesn't work out, it's just one less thing to ship ;D
